what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
