His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
