her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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