last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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