meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
