Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize