I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
