My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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