is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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