awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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