I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
