you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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