how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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