there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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