Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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