Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
