college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Randomize
