dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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