so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
