I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
