I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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