i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
