my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
