ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
