also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
