Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
