Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
