you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
