I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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