Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
