I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize