I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
