Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
