someone get that fucking seahorse.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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