Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
