Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
