when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
