It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
