my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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