i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
