SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Randomize
