I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Can you bring me the toilet please
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
