well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He shit in the fireplace
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
