I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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