I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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