wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just want to make out with him forever
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
