Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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