i jhust puked up my retainher.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
