My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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