A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
