Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize