I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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