Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
