i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
That's intense
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
