I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
