I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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